BARSTOOL NATION

There’s a lot of chatter in South Africa at the moment: offensive paintings, tweeting imbeciles, money-grubbing football coaches, and the usual day-to-day pillaging and looting that is the spirit of modern democracy. The media packages it all and we read and re-tweet it, but the real conversations are the ones that take place between actual people, like the one I observed last night.

Once in a while I stand in with a blues band down on Wilson’s Wharf in Durban. Tuesday nights in the city are nothing to write home about for white people anymore, and those that venture out aren’t exactly your typical Investec suburbanites. Last night, the white guy on the left in the picture, with all the grace and social skills of a failed sprocket salesman, downed goblets of red wine at the  bar and then turned his burgeoning invincibility on the black guy to his right.

The black guy was sitting quietly by himself two stools down sipping a draught and reading, of all things in a city bar on a week-night, a pocket-sized edition of Sun Tzu’s “The Art Of War”. White Guy noticed the title and pounced.

“ ‘The Art Of War’, hey? You fucking ANC guys…”

What followed was a loud stream of invective accompanied by wine-induced slouching and gesticulating (see picture), all  from the white guy and all based on two assumptions: 1. This particular black guy was responsible for the the state of the country at the moment, and 2. ‘The Art of War’ was some kind of ANC/black terrorist text.

The black guy, to his credit, just sat and listened. The white guy got louder and louder, throwing out phrases like “fucking kaffirs” etc. The bar staff in the immediate vicinity started paying very close attention in case it started getting nasty.

Then, inexplicably, the white guy goes, “Well, fuck it, I’m leaving anyway. Soon as I can get out of this bladdy country I’m gone”. After complaining and accusing, he’s leaving anyway? Then, even more inexplicably, the white guy and the black guy, unable to continue the one-sided conversation because of the barrage of white-guy blues rock from the guest band, get up and go outside to share a smoke and carry on their fireside chat. They came back in a few minutes later practically arm-in-arm, all national issues resolved.

As much as people like Julius Malema may make it embarrassing for some black people to be black, white guys like this make it excruciating to be white in a country like South Africa. When previously-advantaged white people show themselves to be more ignorant and uninformed and just plain dumber than their previously-disadvantaged countrymen, it’s teeth-clenchingly awful.

Somewhere down the line, though, this belligerent drunk smirking racist and this graceful, thoughtful quiet African man found some common ground, shared a drink and a smoke, and the staff reported back that they were ‘friends now’.

National Democratic Revolution be damned: this is the real South Africa.

DISCIPLES

He that has a Gospel

To loose upon Mankind,

Though he serve it utterly-

Body, soul and mind-

Though he go to Calvary

Daily for its gain-

It is his Disciple

Shall make his labour vain.

Rudyard Kipling

In 1911 Pixley ka Isaka Seme pronounced, "Forget all the past differences among Africans and unite in one national organisation." The end result was the African National Congress, which, all current shenanigans aside, generally and successfully opposed political oppression in South Africa and served (and still does) as the source of political freedom for millions of South Africans. The nature of revolutions, however, is such that freedom fighters invariably end up as bureaucratic oppressors. Even Karl Marx dissociated himself from much of the 'Marxism' that sprang up in his lifetime. In terms of Kipling's verse above, how does Mandela feel today about the activities and public outpourings of modern ANC 'disciples' such as Julius Malema, Jimmy Manyi and Jacob Zuma? How would Oliver Tambo, Walter Sisulu or Chief Albert Luthuli react to the state of their 'gospel' today? And yes, ok, is modern Christianity really what Jesus was talking about? Would Frank Sinatra approve of the modern music industry? Would George Washington want to live in modern America? Do the disciples end up destroying the gospel of the saviour?

IDIOCRACY

My President informed the nation over the weekend that God has taken sides in South Africa, and that He is decidedly in the ANC’s corner. If that wasn’t enough, my President then said that a vote for the ANC in the upcoming municipal elections was a vote for heaven, and a vote for the opposition was a vote for hell. The Honourable Mr Zuma proclaimed the carrying of an ANC membership card as a sign of heaven’s blessing, and party spokesman Jackson Mthembu stood by these statements this morning with this: “We are, therefore, in agreement with the president that not voting for the ANC is tantamount to throwing your vote in burning hell”.

This has, of course, caused an uproar in our liberal democracy. As it should. Not because these statements are ‘offensive’, ‘blasphemous’ or even incendiary, all of which are matters of opinion. No, Mr Zuma’s remarks are merely stupid. We really are heading into Idiocracy, what with these “ANC=heaven” proclamations from On High, and Julius Malema eating sushi from Down Low. The burning question is: how did a nation like South Africa end up with people like this in charge? Do we deserve this? After all we endured and fought for and hoped for and prayed for? Is the legacy of Luthuli, Tambo, Tutu, Sisulu and Mandela going to be a cabal of tuna-munching, champagne-guzzling, bling-flinging morons?

Jackson Mthembu closed his statement with this absolute pearler: “Those who are ‘alarmed’ by [Zuma’s] expression are probably driven by jealousy for not having thought of the expression themselves.”

People of SA, these are our leaders!

They’re not blaspheming Anti-Christs, don’t let that distract you.

They’re just plain common-or-garden idiots.

The question really is, how do we get rid of them and get back to the business of forging a strong, vibrant, inclusive democracy?

Is that even still possible?

Your suggestions, please.